I don't even know how to start this entry. I have so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind and I'm finding them hard to express adequately. So here I go giving it my best shot. It all happened on the day of Nov 11th. That evening Toby got a phone call from his father telling him about the possibility of getting a liver. Now this has happened three times before but there was something different about this one. It seemed it really would be his. There were some obstacles to jump through with Todd's own health but this phone call felt different and for the first of the three times he was headed to the hospital to start preparing for surgery. He wanted a blessing and asked Toby if he and my dad would be willing to go to the hospital to give him one. Of course they would and they discussed it and decided the morning would be the best time. So the next morning very early before work Toby and my Dad headed to IHC in Murray to give Todd a blessing. Toby told me how Todd asked if my Dad would do the anointing and if Toby would offer the blessing. Toby said he really felt like my Dad should do it for various reasons but Todd insisted Toby be the one to offer the blessing. I'm so grateful he did. Toby told him good luck and that he loved him and headed to work. At home the kids and I were beyond excited at the opportunity Todd finally had to get a liver! We went to the store to get a poster and fun markers and balloons to make Todd a poster. Elle was so darling drawing pictures and writing all over it for her Grandpa. Cutest little poster. We couldn't wait to put it up in the hospital with balloons and flowers and such. We waited for updates throughout the day. He had two obstacles to overcome. Making sure the liver fit because it was coming from an overweight man, and making sure the cancer in Todd's liver hadn't spread anywhere else. Which at the time they saw it hadn't and honestly when we got the phone call we all jumped for joy. We couldn't believe it was really happening!!!! Again we kept getting updates and everything was going well. They told us it was going to be about a 10 to 15 hour surgery. Unbelievable. Toby and I ended up going to bed about 10:30 at night and asked Kathy to make sure she called us the second it was over no matter what time of night it was. We said our prayers and fell asleep. A little after midnight my phone rang. It was Tory. He said he had tried Toby's phone….didn't get him…so tried mine. For some odd reason Toby's phone was on silent. We were so glad he was able to call me. His phone call was to let us know that he had found out the things with Todd had taken a turn for the worse. Merrill, Todd's brother, was there with Kathy and wanted Toby to call him. I can't even express how hard my heart was pounding. Something wasn't right. Toby jumped up and started getting dressed so I did too. At first he wasn't sure he wanted me to go but Jordan was downstairs so we just woke him up and asked him to sleep by the kids. I've never seen Toby drive so fast before in my life. We were at the hospital before I knew it and we ran in to meet up with Kathy. When we got there her and Merrill were in a little conference room with the dr. I sat outside with Kathy's visiting teachers and her old bishop and merrills wife. Merrill came out and explained that Todd was bleeding more than he should be and that the Dr. was wanting to keep him under for 24 hours until he was more stable and at that point he would continue the surgery. It wasn't great news but the Dr. seemed sure that everything would be okay Merrill said until we saw the Dr. walk out pretty fast. I went over to find out what was said and it was then that apparently the Dr. got a call from a nurse that they overheard. They heard "not doing well" and "might code." Words you don't want to hear. Kathy was crying, Toby was pacing, and I was shaking like crazy. A nurse came and got us and told us she wanted us to go up to ICU 5th floor. As we all sat in the little waiting room a million thoughts ran through my head. Kathy asked if I thought Todd was going to go. That thought was not going through my mind. No I told her…he was going to be okay. She just kept saying she wanted to be with him. A few nurses came in and offered us water and another charge nurse came in and abruptly started explaining how things weren't going well. And said things like it could go either way. What was happening? It all seemed so surreal. It still does. After what seemed like forever but was probably only 10 minutes or so a nurse came back and told Toby and Kathy and Merrill to come with them to be by his side. I called Janie and that point and was doing my best to tell them what was going on. It was hard to get the words out. She begged me to stay on the phone with her and kept saying that Tory was scaring her. We were all scared. My voice was trembling and I was starting to feel sick. A few minutes later another nurse started to walk toward me so I hung up the phone. Merrills wife and I walked toward her to get an update and she started to walk me toward the room. I was thinking that Toby just wanted me next to him but as I started walking with her she looked at me and said "I'm Sorry." I'm sorry for what? My mind was racing but the words were sinking in. Deep. She's sorry. I just looked at her and shook my head. I think I said "no" about a hundred times. I lost my balance and needed both of them to help me get to the room. I'll never forget the sight I saw. Kathy and Toby kneeling at Todd's beside. It was a glass room so I could see them so clearly. Rocking back and forth and sobbing. He was gone. The next little bit is a blur. Toby screaming into the phone trying to tell Tory. Kathy hold his hand singing, me calling my Dad screaming, "he's gone, I don't know what to do." and I felt so sick I couldn't stop throwing up. TJ and Teren were on there way and I'll never forget Toby waiting for them by the door and seeing their faces. They just knew. Oh it was an absolute nightmare. No words to express the hurt or pain that we were all experiencing. On the phone call with my Dad I tried to tell him what had happened but I was sobbing. He just kept telling me he would be right there. How grateful I am that he and my mom and Jake came to the hospital. They helped bouy me up when I had nothing. They sat in a waiting room while I went and told Toby he was there. Another memory I'll never forget is watching Toby walk to where my parents were and just embrace. I was a total mess. I love Todd so very much….how could this have happened? How was Toby feeling? What was Kathy going to do? So many thoughts and emotions. We all walked into the room where Todd was laying. As awful as it was, no words to describe, I am also grateful to be part of such a tender spiritual moment. We sang songs, cried, prayed, and begged for peace. We spend a long time in that room. The whole floor of the hospital seems hushed and reverent. It was so incredibly hard to leave. Kathy kept repeating she didn't want to but Teren so sweetly reminded us we're just leaving his body. He'll be going home with them. I'm not even sure how Toby and I made it home in the car. Walking into the house and knowing we had to tell our kids felt unbearable. The plan was to tell them when they woke up, at this point it was about 5 am, but unfortunately they heard our cries and Elle came into our bedroom asking what was wrong. Watching Toby tell her was so very difficult. She immediately broke into tears and it almost felt as if she didn't really understand but she did. It was just so hard to take in and wrap her little mind around. I just layed on the floor and cried. The next couple hours were a blur. Throwing up, crying, laying on the floor, and toby in the bathtub curled up in a little ball. I don't mean to get to detailed but I want to remember everything I can…the good and the bad. Because good definitely came. Around 7 am Josh showed up and just held me while I sobbed. He gave me a blessing and then Krista came and together they packed up the kids and took them away so they didn't have to watch us grieve. An hour or so later and the Bishop showed us, then Jami Hodges. Both to bring us comfort and see how they could help. When we finally felt like we could get up we headed straight over to Kathy's to be with her. The next few days really are a blur. I'm not even sure we rested for a minute. Tory and Janie had jumped in the car pretty much immediately after the phone call and were pretty close to getting there. It felt so wonderful to be there together as a family. We needed each other. There were so many amazing people running in and out of Kathy's home with food, gifts, offering any service they could. When we finally made it home I walked in and immediately started sobbing. Our home looked like a floral shop, flowers everywhere, it was cleaning top to bottom, gifts everywhere, food on the counter and our fridge was completely stocked. It was unbelievable. One of the greatest acts of service I have ever been personally involved in. How blessed we are to be surrounded by such incredible friends and family. I didn't have to worry about my kids for 3 days. They were so well taken care of so that Toby and I could focus on being there for Kathy. She wanted the funeral to be on Saturday and Todd passed on a Wed. Toby's birthday, Nov 13, 2013. There was so much to be done and we did all we could to assist her. But she had so much help. The turn out was absolutely incredible. So many wonderful people calling to help and offering their condolences. The media was also outstanding. So many wonderful stories of Todd and his life and service were surfacing and it was being reported on tv, in the newspaper, and on the internet. The viewing and funeral were absolutely beautiful. all four boys spoke and I was just blown away. Toby spoke of Todd so tenderly and made so many funny references while also sharing stories of his wonderful life and influence. The spirit was there so strong. How blessed we are to have the knowledge we have of the gospel and of the plan of salvation. How else would we be able to bear this? We miss him so incredibly much. He was the head of the Christensen family. Our patriarch. My kids Grandpa is no longer here. And yet he is. I know he will be. I know we now have our own personal angel watching over us. WE LOVE HIM. We adore him. I am so grateful for his example and for his life. Todd we will miss you every day. My kids will know you. I will make sure of that. We will keep you in our hearts always. I'm grateful for the letter he sent me in the mail just months before his passing. I am grateful for the many wonderful memories I have of him. I pray they will stay with me always. I'm so grateful for our Savior and for sacrifice that we can be together as families forever. There is no greater gift!!!!!
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