Extra Pics

Just a few extra pics of the little guy while he was still in the NICU. Couldn't get enough of them really. He just looked so tiny in his little "crib." Holding him on my chest was the best part of my day every day. I'll always cherish the time I got to spend just me and him holding him while he was so little.

Kemp's First Professional Pics

One of the things I had to learn to do early on in this pregnancy was to let go. Let go of the little things that I had always done and that I wanted to do but just couldn't at this particular time. Taking my kids places during their off-track time and the summer, birthday parties I'd usually plan, trips to St. George, but even the little things like taking pictures right when the baby was born. Luckily I have a talented little sister that came to the NICU to grab some shots of little Kemp. This pictures will always be priceless to me. What an angel.

The NICU

How to even start with our experiences in the NICU. Looking back I have such fond memories of it, but I'll be honest....it was HARD. Hard to still be recovering physically from all the loss of blood, the pain-meds, the c-section, the bed rest, from all of it and still have to drive up to the hospital everyday because I didn't want to be away from my baby. I knew he needed me. I stayed in the hospital for about 4 or 5 days after the delivery, which was much needed. It was bitter/sweet because I was so grateful that everything turned out okay and that my baby was doing so well, but difficult because I was so beyond exhausted and still in so much pain. In fact at one point right after the surgery after I was off the iv pain meds and I was on morphine the pill that they gave me really didn't work. It kicked in for about 15 minutes and then was done and those next 45 minutes until they could give me another were some of the longest of my life. I was in SO MUCH pain. It honestly felt like someone was holding a curling iron on my stomach and they wouldn't lift it off. Each minute felt like an hour. I was so grateful I had Toby and my mom and dad there holding my hands. They were always there for me. I didn't get to go see Kemp very much because walking was even a challenge, but Toby kept his eye on him and the nurses in the NICU are second to none. They all LOVED our little Kempers. One in particular, Melissa, really took a liking to him and asked to be his primary care nurse. We were always so grateful when we'd call and she was there because we knew he was getting extra extra special love and attention.  The first two weeks he was in the NICU my Dad drove me to the hospital almost every day since I couldn't drive myself. I'd stay as long as I could to do his little cares, do skin to skin, and just soak up his sweet little spirit. I was so grateful for my Dad driving me to and from and sacrificing his time for us. It was nice when I could finally drive myself there and started trying to go twice a day instead of just once. I'll admit there were quite a few melt-downs on my part during his month there.  I felt like I was being pulled in a million different directions. My baby really needed me, but so did my other 3 children at home. Nothing was getting done. No homework, no church callings, no dinners, no nothing. Toby was doing all he could and we were surrounded by family and friends chipping in EVERY day, taking Tate so I could go to the hospital, bringing dinners knowing mom wasn't home and while I will be eternally grateful I can't believe all the guilt that came with it. I felt so bad feeling like it was MY job that everyone else was doing. They were hard times. I think the hardest was leaving Tate daily. Dropping him off at all my friends houses all the time was hard for me. He really struggled not while he was gone but when he was home. In fact I would cry just seeing how different he was and how difficult he had become when it was just me and him because he was always fussy and throwing way more tantrums that normal. It broke my heart thinking that I had in some way done that to him. But there was so much good too. So much service and I couldn't ignore the fact that my baby was thriving. Every day he was taking baby steps towards being able to feed on his own and breath while he nursed. One day I was on my way to the hospital like normal and I called to tell the nurses I was on my way and they said well make sure you bring a carseat...Kemp is going home today! I was blown away! and actually asked for more time. I hadn't had time to get ready. No car seat, crib ready, clothes for him...nothing. Hadn't had time! But it didn't matter. It would all work out and we got to bring our little Kemp home after 4 weeks in the NICU. An experience that taught us a lot about faith, patience, and watching for the little tender mercies along the way.

The Delivery

I wanted to keep my eyes open but they kept closing. I remember Dr. Matthews asking if I could feel the pin pricks in my stomach and I could a little, so he'd say she's not numb yet and I could hear Dr. Jess Page say we've got to get this baby out now. Next thing I knew I felt all this pressure in my stomach and I knew they had cut me open. Then the door to the OR opened and in walked Tob. He came straight to me and grabbed my hand. It wasn't very long before Dr. Matthews told him to get on the ground. I wondered why? Toby said he was alright but the next time Dr. Matthews yelled it...Get on the ground! Guess Toby had walked in and the sight of me like that was too much and he went pretty white and looked unstable. So there Toby was on the ground drinking juice trying to feel better. He came back up and held my hand while they tugged and pulled to get the baby out. It hurt so bad. I felt my body going in on sorts of different directions and there was just so much pressure everywhere. I had never experienced anything like that. I remember Dr. Matthews saying "there's just so much blood." I was pretty sure I could tell the moment they got the baby out but there was no cry and they just rushed him through the window to the NICU. How was I supposed to know if he was okay?! I kept asking but they'd just say as soon as we know we'll let you know. Dr. Matthews continued to calm me down and walk me through every little step. I remember saying I felt like i was going to throw up and him giving me some sort of medication through the epidural to help with that. It took Jess another hour and a half to get me all sewn up and put back together. It all just seemed like a dream. I was shaking and pale as a ghost and pretty dazed but I remember again just feeling pretty peaceful. - I remember someone, not sure who, telling me that the baby was doing great and that he was on oxygen but his apgar score was a 7 which was incredible. When Dr. Jess Page was all done I remember her looking over at me and saying, "your little boy was sure a champ today." That just totally solidified his name to me, as all along we knew that "Kemp" meant fighter or champ. It was just so fitting. -  They then rolled me back to my room and kept me on monitors and other stuff for a bit and then each of the dr's and nurses came in to be with me and give me a hug. They were all so beyond sweet telling me how great I did and how proud they were of me, and Dr. Matthews kept telling me thank you for being so calm (I didn't feel calm!) that it made their jobs easier. I hugged each of them as I just bawled. I was so grateful for their knowledge on how to handle this kind of thing and for all that they did to get my baby here safely.  - I'm guessing it was about 30 minutes to an hour later they wheeled my entire bed into the NICU to let me see my baby for the first time. He was all hooked up in his little incubator and he was about the most incredible little thing I've ever seen. I was able to stick my finger through his little window and let him wrap his little hand around it. What a priceless moment. One I'll never forget. He truly is a miracle baby. How blessed I feel to have and I know that he was always meant to be mine!!!

Crashing

So my Dad and Jordan were just hanging out with me and we had a football game on in the background. I kept telling them I felt contractions coming and going but i was again thinking they were just false alarms. After a bit my Dad left go home but Jordan was planning on staying the night with me. We went for a wheelchair ride and got some ice cream at the cafeteria and then after we decided to put on "That thing you do."All through the movie I just kept thinking darn these are getting a little harder. My nurse came in and could tell they were a bit nurse so she had me all hooked back up to the monitors and called the resident dr in who was Jess Page. Since I had seen her so many times and had become friends I told her (when the nurse wasn't there) that the nurse was just being extra cautious and that I was just fine and that I really didn't want to head down to labor and delivery again. She said she understood and that she honestly felt like I knew my body and and that she would be fine with me staying here as long as I told her if they got worse. It wasn't an hour later that I told Jordan I was struggling a bit and that I better have her come back. We got Jess back and she smiled when I told her they were worse and that I better get checked. Guess I was being a bit stubborn. Jordan left for a bit and she checked my cervix and sure enough I was a bit more dialated and effaced. (I think like a 2.) At this point Jess said she'd feel a lot more comfortable if I would head down to L&D even though she knew I really didn't want to go. Jordan helped me pack up some of my things and down we went. I kept telling him I was sorry...this wasn't how I planned it to go. He was totally willing to stay with me but I decided he better head home to be with the kids just in case I needed Toby to come back up. After I was settled he left and I was down in the room alone. It was around midnight. I text Toby and told him what was happening but unfortunately he had taken a shot of nyquil and honestly he was quite out of it. In one of his texts he evens said, "good luck babe." I just decided to let him sleep until I really needed him. The next 4 hours were pretty difficult for me. Jess didn't want to check me for about another 2 hours...which would be 2am so until then I was just on my own to deal with these worsening contractions. They gave me some type of medication to help with the pain. And it did...just made me kind of dizzy and tired again. At 2am she came back and again I was more dilated and effaced. By 4 am I was in the type of pain that I was ready for an epidural and they knew it. I was dialed to about a 4 and 90% effaced. The interesting thing was that while I was mostly by myself for those 4 hours, and while I was in a lot of pain I should have been the most alone I had felt. But I didn't. I kept myself going by thinking of all the memories I have with my Grandpa and Grandma Wimmer, and my Grandma Doris, and other close to me and throughout the whole time I just didn't felt alone. I felt so much peace and comfort. It really got me through the night. At 4 am when they said it was time for an epidural, they also said they were still going to try to stop the baby from coming with more magnesium I knew it was time for Toby to be here with me. I grabbed my phone and called him and all I said was I need you now. I was in so much pain and could hardly wait for the anesthesiologist to get there. He walked in the exact same time as Toby...about 20 minutes later. I hardly even said a word to Tob but he just held my hand as the dr put the epidural in. I hate that part...but was so grateful for the bit of relief. He didn't want me completely numb as were still hoping to stop the delivery. After I got settled with the epidural they decided to bring a NICU nurse in just to prep us on what would happen if this baby did come tonight. The others were prepping to put me on the mag and Toby and I started listening to the NICU nurse. It hadn't been more than a minute when all of a sudden I just felt this rush go through my body. I kind of felt like I just went numb and could hardly talk. Toby asked if I was okay and all I could say was something isn't right. Later Tob told me that my face when bright red and was all flushed and then within second went completely white. All at once my machines started beeping and the nurse started calling for help from the anesthesiologist and other nurses and calling for my dr. Everything just kind of went into a daze for me. I could sense the rush as they were unhooking me from machines and the door would go flying open with new nurses rushing in. Everyone was saying things like "her blood pressure is plummeting" and "the baby's heart rate is dropping", then "they're crashing", "have to get this baby out right away", "get her to OR"....stuff like that. I can't describe the fear I was feeling. It all happened so fast and they were taking me away and I heard someone say to Toby you can't go with them yet. Next thing I knew I was flying down the hall. The Anesthesiologist, Dr. Matthews, did such an amazing job of talking me through every little thing that was happening although I felt like I was only half way with it. I could hear, but didn't feel like I could respond. He walked me through flipping me off one stretcher and on to the table, walked me through getting me numb but everyone was working so fast and yelling it was kind of a blur. There were bright lights and lots of yelling and a fear I had never felt before set in. I wanted to scream and cry but didn't feel like I could move. For a while I wondered if I was going to make it. Or if my baby was going to make it. It didn't feel like it. And while I wanted to scream out, at the same time I began to feel a lot of peace. Again, I didn't feel alone. I felt this peace come over me that everything was going to be okay. Even though I wasn't sure what the outcome would be, I felt like it would be okay.

My Second Week at IMC

So at this point ALL the Doctors and nurses were telling me I was here to stay till this baby came. This could mean till tomorrow or this could mean until week 37. Dr. Esplin was so glad, as was I, that I was there when this happened and in his opinion it would probably happen again. His opinion was three strikes and I'm out so one more time and he'd deliver the baby. It was so hard just not knowing what was going to happen day to day. I was starting to have less blood again, but in the meantime I was having more contractions. I was moved back and forth from my room to labor and delivery like 4 different times because of all of these issues. They decided to put me on a different drug than procardia that was stronger but they could only use it once but it lasted like 3 days. It seemed to work really well other than the side effect was that it caused my amniotic fluid level to drop like crazy. Actually one day the tech down at MFM testing couldn't even find any. This really concerned the doctors. So between watching my fluid level and the bleeding and contractions I was there to stay for awhile. I missed my family terribly. Toby was there a lot, but I only got to see the kids a couple of times. Tate was so difficult it was hard for anyone to bring him up to me. I saved him my chocolate milk when he came though. I remember my first time having the kids come visit I just cried. I'd never been away from them this long. Cash cried too, and actually Elle did a lot when it was time for her to go. She really wanted to spend the night one night with me but wasn't allowed to without another adult because I was too much of a risk for something to happen in the middle of the night... so one night we made plans for her to stay with me and Toby and it was wonderful having her there. Just love her. I remember Tate looked a little nervous seeing me in the hospital bed but he also reached out for me and just laid in my arms for along time. I love them so much. My family and friends were absolutely INCREDIBLE taking turns watching them. Everyone pitched in helped a ton. I had a lot of visitors this week too. Besides my family of course, Errin, Lindsay, Shea, and Nicole and Shauna and my cousin Jill came up. Jami, Tara and Lindsay came and decorated my room with the cutest little signs with positive sayings on them for me and flowers, the Bishop and Jen came up, and President Curtis and Amber came and brought Toby dinner and me ice cream. It was so so sweet. Kathy came up a lot to visit me also and always brought sweet gifts of food, ice cream, magazines, and other things to lift my spirits. Also Joni and Archie and Cole. One day a friend in my ward, Kristen, brought a huge bag just stuffed full of things she had gathered from ladies in the ward. I just sat there and cried. There was the most thoughtful note full of the reasons why certain items were in the bag and who they were from. There were things like lotion, dry shampoo, books, magazines, candy, money for gas, perfume, a teddy bear for Tate, Legos for Cash, Nail polish for Elle, Room spray, Scentsy stuff etc. etc. I can not believe my ward. They were already bringing meals in for my family while I was away and mowing our lawn etc. Toby was missing so much work trying to be there at home for the kids and coming back up to be by me as much as possible. - It was funny but because of my situation they took a way my "wheelchair privileges" so I was pretty much confined to my one little room but one day they let me out to go to the cafeteria with Toby. That was the highlight of my week:) We went on the cutest little date to the cafeteria for lunch and it felt so great to be outside. It was starting to get extremely hard being there and I was really homesick again. My amniotic fluid was coming back up and my crit score was high again because of the the two blood transfusions, and I was barely spotting by the end of the week. It was at this time that I really started to ask the dr's if I could go home again. All along I had been told no but the morning of Sept 2nd I met back up with Dr. Esplin and I told him the only issue I really had now was the contractions. He didn't seem too concerned about that but was more concerned with my other issues and felt like I still needed to be there most likely till I delivered. He did say he'd consider the following week thought if everything looked perfectly for that extended period of time and if we made a game plan on how to get me back to IMC within 15 or 20 minutes if anything happened. He said it was unlikely he'd let me go but let's give it another week and we'd go from there but his thought was I could even be there until week 37 or 38. I was barely over 31 at this point. How in the world would I be able to stay there that long?! I was pretty discouraged and spent a lot of time on the phone with Toby and my mom crying and crying. The medicine to stop the contractions made me feel so terrible and give me such a headache I wouldn't feel like doing anything, reading or watching tv was out of the question. Toby and I decided he needed to stay home with the kids that night to give them a little stability so he wasn't coming back up to the hospital. My mom had felt sorry for me since she knew I had been crying that morning and then in the afternoon when she kept trying me I finally text her and said if I heard her voice again I think i'd lose it which was the truth so she decided to send my dad up to see me. It was so good to see him and he seemed to calm me down quite a bit. A bit later Jordan showed up with his overnight bag and said he wanted to stay with me and watch movies that night so I would be alone. I was grateful and it turned into being a really good thing because this was the start of another of the hardest nights of my life.

First Blood Transfusion and Magnesium

All I remember about the blood transfusion was that I was really scared about having someone elses blood put in me and that my arm was really hurting from the IV. This was probably about the 3rd IV I had in my arm from the time I was at Riverton hospital to now and my arm was aching and throbbing as the blood went through. They wrapped my arm in heat and I just laid there with Toby by my side. I couldn't eat anything for a while before or after and I remember feeling really sleepy. Then they had to watch me after for reactions and stuff and so the whole process seemed to last a while. They kept taking my blood to check my crit score and eventually decided it wasn't enough and decided to give me a second unit of blood. So we started all over again with another transfusion. Finally I was able to go back up to my room and I got there right in time for dinner. Tob and I got all cozy back in our room (I'm a Lama again!) and we put on a show to relax. It couldn't have been more than 30 minutes later that i started having contractions. What the?! Full blown contractions that were coming pretty close together. Next thing we know we are being taken back down to Labor and Delivery and I was all hooked up to all sorts of machines again. They were all very worried that I was getting ready to have this baby. The resident doctor that had been taking care of me the most name was Jen Kaiser and she was amazing through this whole ordeal. Really stayed by my side and tried to make me as comfortable as possible. The next couple of hours are really a huge blur but at the same time I remember the feeling I had so vividly. It was SO awful. They put me on Procardia to help stop the contractions which made me feel terrible and gave me the worst headache. I had iv's of fluid going through me and the pericardia in each arm. I was getting pricked left and ride for blood draws and everything else. I was still bleeding quite heavily but I begged to not have another catheter put in. Dr. Kaiser decided that i needed to be put on Magnesium which was mostly for the baby in case he came early, but also it could help stop the contractions and labor. I had already had two shots of steroids from the Riverton hospital and at IMC the next morning just in case baby came. They warned me that mag was really powerful and that I was going to feel terrible. That was an understatement. I remember feeling like every inch of my body was hooked up to something. My toes had an oxygen thing on them, my legs had leg cuffs on them to prevents blood clots, my stomach had two monitors on them for the baby's heart rate and for the contractions, my arms had iv's going through them and a blood pressure cuff, and i had to go to the bathroom every half hour because of all the fluid that was gong through me and they'd have to unhook me from all of this so I could go and then hook me back up. It was hard to walk I felt so terrible and I was bleeding so bad. They had NICU dr's come talk to me about what would happen if my baby were to come now and I remember just crying because I wasn't ready for that. It was just too early I was only almost 29 weeks along. Then the magnesium started. I felt burning hot, dizzy, naseaus, lightheaded, totally out of it, and to top it off when I started to drop off, (by this time it was the middle of the night) I would be suddenly woken up by the worst nightmares. I felt like the room was spinning and in my dreams I felt like I was dying and I couldn't scream, or call out to Toby even thought I knew he was right there, or push the nurses button for help. It was just all so awful. I remember just having tears running down my face. I had to have the magnesium go through me for TWELVE hours straight. Eventually I was able to tell Toby that I needed him by me so he pulled a chair next to me and held my hand for about two hours while I just layed there. I don't know how he did it...he must have been so tired. The nurses got smart and decided to roll my bed over next to his so he could lay down and I could still hold his hand. That helped so much. Just knowing he was right there really calmed me down. He truly is my best friend and I love him so much. He was my rock through it all. I kept praying for strength and tried to be brave but it was so hard. I tried to get comfortable and would roll from one side to the next but even that took strength I just didn't have. I can honestly say it was one of the hardest most difficult nights I've ever had in my life. The nurses kept telling me I was doing wonderful and that I was being so strong but I didn't feel like it. I felt like the biggest mess and I was in so much pain. People kept coming in giving me shots and taking my blood and I remember feeling like a pin cushion. It was all just so awful. After the 12 hours on magnesium things did start to slow down and my contractions went away. It just took me a long long time to feel normal again. It was funny how before I was dying to get home and then after hemorrhaging again I was so grateful I was in a place that could take care of my baby and me and I was then scared to go home where i could bleed like that again and not have the help. Toby and I decided it was exactly where I needed to be. I was content to be there for awhile...until I started to feel good again. Then I wanted to go home again.

IMC Murray. My New Home.

So here comes Tuesday morning and I find myself admitted to IMC hospital. I met with my new doctor, Dr. Esplin, and he went over what he felt like my game plan needed to be. He explained that I was towing the line of needing a blood transfusion, and he felt like I should just be monitored for a few days to make sure baby was doing well and to see if it was at all possible to see my blood score go up at all. We were confused because we felt like the whole reason we were brought to IMC was for a blood transfusion, but I also really trusted this doctor. He also felt like if I hemorrhaged once, it was likely to happen again, so he wanted me to stick around for awhile so they could keep a close eye on me and the baby. And so my stay began. My heart was broken because the next day was my kids first day of school. Elle's first day of Fourth grade and Cash's first day of FIRST grade. I didn't know how I was supposed to make everything work. I couldn't imagine not taking care of my sweet 2 year old, getting my kids ready for their first day of school, doing their hair, putting Elle's contacts in, getting their backpacks and lunches ready, driving them to school and walking them to their classrooms, giving them big hugs and kisses and being there for their back to school blessing from their Dad.  I cried a lot in the next two days. A lot. It was really hard being there. The nurses were so nice and I was very well taken care of. Three meals and snacks and smoothies brought to me daily. Lots of monitoring both from my room and down in MFM testing. I also was having frequent blood draws to check my crit score and as long as it didn't drop below 25 or 26 they felt okay with me not having a transfusion. I felt very safe but also just sad to not be home with my family. Toby was incredible and stayed with me as much as possible as well as making sure the kids were taken care of at home. He face timed me for their blessings and to put Elles contacts in. It made me smile but made me sad to not be there either. He spent every night with me that week which helped me not feel so lonely. We couldn't have done that without the help of family and friends. They all came together and were just incredible. So throughout this next week my bleeding really tapered off. So much so that I started to ask the doctors, residents, and nurses if  I could just go home. The consensus from all of them were that I needed to be there at very least a week, but most were saying until the baby came. Or at least i would need a blood transfusion before I went home. I couldn't even wrap my head around being there that long. It was harder than I would have ever thought staying in a hospital would be. Around comes that Friday. A doctor by the name of Branch came into talk to me. The doctors always showed up around 5:30 or 6:00 am which was so early but they were in about every hour throughout the night to monitor me anyway so I guess it didn't really matter. I told him that I really wasn't bleeding that much and did he think I could go home. He thought that I should still stay for awhile and most likely till the baby came. Again I was so disappointed. He walked out of the room and I told Toby that I needed to use the restroom. I got up and walked in the bathroom and couldn't believe it. I was bleeding heavily again. They took me down to MFM testing and honestly didn't even get hooked up to the monitors again before the nurses there just said she needs to be taken to Labor and Delivery immediately. From there they called the Dr. and I could hear him say I just saw her 5 minutes ago! It all happened so fast. He told them that I needed a blood transfusion immediately and they went to work getting me all ready for that. It was scary because again the blood just wasn't stopping. This lead into one of the hardest days and nights of my life.