Crashing

So my Dad and Jordan were just hanging out with me and we had a football game on in the background. I kept telling them I felt contractions coming and going but i was again thinking they were just false alarms. After a bit my Dad left go home but Jordan was planning on staying the night with me. We went for a wheelchair ride and got some ice cream at the cafeteria and then after we decided to put on "That thing you do."All through the movie I just kept thinking darn these are getting a little harder. My nurse came in and could tell they were a bit nurse so she had me all hooked back up to the monitors and called the resident dr in who was Jess Page. Since I had seen her so many times and had become friends I told her (when the nurse wasn't there) that the nurse was just being extra cautious and that I was just fine and that I really didn't want to head down to labor and delivery again. She said she understood and that she honestly felt like I knew my body and and that she would be fine with me staying here as long as I told her if they got worse. It wasn't an hour later that I told Jordan I was struggling a bit and that I better have her come back. We got Jess back and she smiled when I told her they were worse and that I better get checked. Guess I was being a bit stubborn. Jordan left for a bit and she checked my cervix and sure enough I was a bit more dialated and effaced. (I think like a 2.) At this point Jess said she'd feel a lot more comfortable if I would head down to L&D even though she knew I really didn't want to go. Jordan helped me pack up some of my things and down we went. I kept telling him I was sorry...this wasn't how I planned it to go. He was totally willing to stay with me but I decided he better head home to be with the kids just in case I needed Toby to come back up. After I was settled he left and I was down in the room alone. It was around midnight. I text Toby and told him what was happening but unfortunately he had taken a shot of nyquil and honestly he was quite out of it. In one of his texts he evens said, "good luck babe." I just decided to let him sleep until I really needed him. The next 4 hours were pretty difficult for me. Jess didn't want to check me for about another 2 hours...which would be 2am so until then I was just on my own to deal with these worsening contractions. They gave me some type of medication to help with the pain. And it did...just made me kind of dizzy and tired again. At 2am she came back and again I was more dilated and effaced. By 4 am I was in the type of pain that I was ready for an epidural and they knew it. I was dialed to about a 4 and 90% effaced. The interesting thing was that while I was mostly by myself for those 4 hours, and while I was in a lot of pain I should have been the most alone I had felt. But I didn't. I kept myself going by thinking of all the memories I have with my Grandpa and Grandma Wimmer, and my Grandma Doris, and other close to me and throughout the whole time I just didn't felt alone. I felt so much peace and comfort. It really got me through the night. At 4 am when they said it was time for an epidural, they also said they were still going to try to stop the baby from coming with more magnesium I knew it was time for Toby to be here with me. I grabbed my phone and called him and all I said was I need you now. I was in so much pain and could hardly wait for the anesthesiologist to get there. He walked in the exact same time as Toby...about 20 minutes later. I hardly even said a word to Tob but he just held my hand as the dr put the epidural in. I hate that part...but was so grateful for the bit of relief. He didn't want me completely numb as were still hoping to stop the delivery. After I got settled with the epidural they decided to bring a NICU nurse in just to prep us on what would happen if this baby did come tonight. The others were prepping to put me on the mag and Toby and I started listening to the NICU nurse. It hadn't been more than a minute when all of a sudden I just felt this rush go through my body. I kind of felt like I just went numb and could hardly talk. Toby asked if I was okay and all I could say was something isn't right. Later Tob told me that my face when bright red and was all flushed and then within second went completely white. All at once my machines started beeping and the nurse started calling for help from the anesthesiologist and other nurses and calling for my dr. Everything just kind of went into a daze for me. I could sense the rush as they were unhooking me from machines and the door would go flying open with new nurses rushing in. Everyone was saying things like "her blood pressure is plummeting" and "the baby's heart rate is dropping", then "they're crashing", "have to get this baby out right away", "get her to OR"....stuff like that. I can't describe the fear I was feeling. It all happened so fast and they were taking me away and I heard someone say to Toby you can't go with them yet. Next thing I knew I was flying down the hall. The Anesthesiologist, Dr. Matthews, did such an amazing job of talking me through every little thing that was happening although I felt like I was only half way with it. I could hear, but didn't feel like I could respond. He walked me through flipping me off one stretcher and on to the table, walked me through getting me numb but everyone was working so fast and yelling it was kind of a blur. There were bright lights and lots of yelling and a fear I had never felt before set in. I wanted to scream and cry but didn't feel like I could move. For a while I wondered if I was going to make it. Or if my baby was going to make it. It didn't feel like it. And while I wanted to scream out, at the same time I began to feel a lot of peace. Again, I didn't feel alone. I felt this peace come over me that everything was going to be okay. Even though I wasn't sure what the outcome would be, I felt like it would be okay.